Hi everyone!
We know that Thanksgiving is coming up soon and many of you are planning on going back home to see your family after a long few months at school. Keeping that in mind, the exec-board wanted to come up with some tips that might help with dealing with going home after coming out at school. For those of you planning on coming out or for anyone else that just needs some words of encouragement for being at home during the holidays—this is for you!
Good luck!
-Asia, Mar, Travis, Andrew, Paul, Chase, Annie, Courtney and Jayme (your Advocate family!)
Andrew:
An important thing to keep in mind as you go home this break, that although you definitely want the most positive break with your family, you will always be coming back here to Loyola to a place where you have a lot of support. If you know your parents are struggling with your sexuality, don’t force a conversation. Sometimes it just takes time for them to accept it, and you want to enjoy your time with your family as much as you can. If you want to have a conversation about it, or they bring it up, make sure you are confident in who you are. If you show hesitance or doubt, then they will not believe you either and may try to tell themselves its just a phase or you are just confused. So most importantly, try and enjoy your time home, and keep in mind if this time home is difficult that things do get better with time and that you are loved and supported here at Loyola.
Asia:
My advice is just reminding you to remember that you can come out at home whenever feels right to you. I didn’t come out until this year because I was worried about too many external factors…money, school, etc. There were a lot of things holding me back. But I realized that I was surrounded with a lot of loving people that made it easier to take that big step. But I took it when I was ready! Basically, you don’t have to come out yet if you aren’t ready. But if you are…GO FOR IT. There is no better time than that awkward family dinner with G-ma. But just in case things don’t go so well, make sure you have a back-up plan. You might need to leave just to get some air so have a friend on call! Remember, you have a lot of people that love you and would be happy to talk you through this! You aren’t alone.
Courtney:
- Don’t be afraid to ask others for advice. While the experiences other people have gone through may not apply to you, they might help give you an idea of what to possibly expect.
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Being out at school doesn’t mean you necessarily have to be at home. You decide what’s right for you, and who you are ready to have know.
- Be prepared for questions from people (hey, we all have at least one outrageously nosy relative that we’re required to deal with on holidays), and know that you only have to answer what you’re comfortable with.
- If there are people in your life who have had a less than positive reaction to you being out, remind yourself why you decided to come out in the first place, and try to remember that accepting yourself matters infinitely more than what anyone else might think of you.
- Having now almost made it through the semester, you’ll be older, wiser, and all-around awesome-er than you were the last time you were home, so let that give you confidence and allow you to make the most out of your vacation!
Jayme:
- Don’t be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. If they question it, just stick to your guns and don’t change your beliefs just to fit the situation.
- Don’t be ashamed of who you are. Ever.
- If someone questions your choice of major or career, just remind them that people have done it for centuries, or else we’d all still be cobblers and seamstresses.
Ian:
-You don’t actually have to come out this holiday. Coming out is not a race, but a marathon. You are going to be coming out to people for the rest of your life. Make sure you have the positive experiences before you (possibly) have the negative ones. Gage the situation. For example, if you think your parents are going to react poorly, then don’t tell them until you are open with your friends. Friends come and go, but when you are an undergrad, the family home is difficult to escape.
-If you come from an accepting home, but a hateful/more conservative/less interesting town than Chicago, do not tell your parents just how much you hate living there. These are your parents- the people who fed you, cleaned you, and taught you to poop in the toilet- and they are likely to take it to heart. It is not their fault that the world can be a dark place, especially when they are providing light. If you are truly worried about future breaks, tell them your concern with love.
-Give your hometown one last chance. You are coming back home a transformed person, hopefully more confident than you were in high school. Other friends and former classmates are coming back with that same perspective. Sometimes they will surprise you. It is also powerful to realize that these kids no longer have the power over you in any way. You are at Loyola now. Choose to deny them or invite them into your new life.
-Remember that awful kid who picked on you all the time? Yeah? That kid was really mean! He’s working at McDonald’s now. Smile. That is called Schadenfreude. Look up what Schadenfreude actually means. Smile some more.
Mar:
-Pick out the positive moments from being home. You get to see your favorite family member, or your high school friends! You get to eat delicious food! You can talk about Occupy Wall Street too much and annoy your obnoxious family members! The world is your oyster!
-Worst case scenario, don’t go home. Holidays can be fun with friends or chosen family too!
-Remember, you’ll be back at Loyola soon! This is just one moment in the exciting journey of your life.
Paul:
My advice for going home are a little more in the ‘tough love’ category, as I believe that’s what I probably could have used last year before going home for Thanksgiving Break. So here goes:
-If you go home expecting everything to be different, expecting your parents to be completely attuned to every facet of your newly formed college identity, you could be setting yourself up for a super shitty thanksgiving. They probably haven’t changed—and they’ll be shocked by how much you’ve changed. That could turn into your mom asking you if you’re having safe sex, or your father asking you when you became so flamboyant (but I’m not bitter).
-Go home and walk gently. Be honest with them about your college experience, and fill them in on how you’ve developed, and how you’re changing. If they don’t accept it right away, don’t hold it against them—understand how difficult it is for them to send their kid away, and to be unsure of what they’re going to end up with. Also, understand that, no matter how bad it is, they love you.
-If you’re planning on coming out to your family this Thanksgiving or this Holiday season, I say go for it. Just understand that you can’t always hold their reactions against them. No matter how they react, remember that you love them. Even if you hate them—you’re full of shit, you secretly love them. (Yes, you, the one who is saying ‘but its different in my case, I actually hate my parents.’ You’re a liar.) I don’t care if your dad picks his nose and eats it and your mom is a racist, you love them. And also, remember that no matter what happens, we love you. You have a home here. And I love you.
-No matter who you are, and no matter what you’re going through, one last thing. THANKSGIVING ISN’T ABOUT YOU. If you try to make Thanksgiving about you and how you’ve changed, I promise you, it will be awful. Now go home, kiss your mother. Hug your father. Tell them what you need to tell them. And don’t make it about you. It’s family time. Enjoy them. Even if they’re crazy. They won’t be around forever. When you come back, then it can be all about you again.
Overall, don’t be an asshole, and remember that your family loves you and we love you. And if you’re making some tough decisions- be bold. You only get to live once. (Insert another inspirational saying from stock.) Now go home, and force yourself to have a wonderful break.
“Whoever you are, I love you.” –Alan Moore, V for Vendetta
Travis:
There is a lot of pressure to tell parents and family members about a newly discovered or redefined sexual orientation/gender. From Kurt on Glee to Jeanne Moos (the Iraq War soldier who came out on YouTube), we are flooded with images and stories of people coming out to those who raised them. And don’t get me wrong, this is important to a lot of people and makes sense for them.
However, my advice is to not feel like you owe it to people to tell them about your most intimate experiences, even if they are your mother, father or guardian. Your sexual identity and gender are exactly that … your own. If you feel safe and comfortable telling others what you have found out about yourself, then by all means do that. But it is also ok to take some time with it, to meditate on what it means to you to be out in different environments, and do it when you are comfortable. Coming out should be self-affirming and set oneself up for future successes. It should never be a punishment or coerced action.
Annie:
-Figure out who makes up your support system. Is it a group of new friends at Loyola, certain family members, a best friend from high school, or all of the above? No matter who it is, they are important and will be able to help you when you need them. If family dinner goes poorly, take a walk and call a friend or jump on Facebook and chat with someone. You may even find that writing in a journal or typing in a random word document might help sort out your feelings. Do what you need to do to decompress from any negativity that might ensue. And if all your moments at home are positive, talk about that; friends enjoy hearing the happy bits, too!
